True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
