he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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