You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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