Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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