she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
