pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
