In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
