I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
