What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
