I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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