Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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