the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Four minutes until I can fart!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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