On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
