I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
