I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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