so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
