You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize