My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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