Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
