That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
