i think my mom watched the whole time
apparently the secret to your success is patron
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
me + whiskey = a bad person
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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