Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
