just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
