3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
