My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it hurts more in the daytime
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
