Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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