those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
