So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
