There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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