this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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