you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
