i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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