can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
