So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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