NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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