i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
