Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
