All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
