Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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