Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
