he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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