This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
