Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
