New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Im part way to drunk.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize