One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How external is "for external use only"?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
