DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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