My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
