after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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