I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
