Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize