So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize