I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
