i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
