I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
