i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
