Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My feet surprised me
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