just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
