arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
