Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
