i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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